catastrophe. | karma may be a bitch...

do you know the sentences 'pics or it didn't happend?' or even 'karma is a bitch'? well, during this year, i heard these sentences a lot and quite often directly when i came back from japan this years june. something happend to me that changed my life - my way of thinking - and also some trust into people. but let's start at the beginning: for japan this year, i was quite lucky enough getting tickets for in total six events of vistlip i could attend. i was more than happy you could ever imagine, travelling around a foreign country, seeing different cities and people, and studying the behaviour of fans in different locations. it really was super interesting to see how many people attend a concert and how often i am seeing the same people around. it was super exciting to ask myself before entering the venue where i would be standing: in front of umi whose place is always overrun with people? between yuh and tomo, so that i have a good watching space to see tohya? or directly in front of yuh, because i could be in the front because the space is empty most of the time? well, let me answer you that i nearly always was in the front between yuh and tomo. but that doesn't matter for my affair to write you. anyhow; at the first stop at the kanazawa concert, one year after i have seen vistlip the last time, i was totally flashed by emotions after the concerts. the venue was small and didn't had any backentrance; so i wanted to try my luck to stay at the venue after the concert to ask my favorite bands for pictures; just once. sadly, after one and a half hour of waiting in the total rain in a foreign city, looking like shit with drunken people passing by i had enough and went back home - i'm not really the patience girl and i am totally not into waiting for artists after they played their concerts due to respect. but for vistlip just ONE day in my life i really really wanted to have artists photos. even if it's only one member that agreed my life would have been complete - but for kanazawa it didn't happend. on the next day when i was in my hotel bed i realized on twitter i woke up nearly the same time as tohya did, which was quite shivering. do you know how strange it feels to know, someone you admire just woke up the same time as you in the same city, only few metres or kilometres away? that sure sounds weird, but it's kind of a feeling you cannot describe. however, i was just greeting him an 'ohayanma' as nearly every morning when i was in japan in summer, and decided to head for sightseeing in kanazawa. i wanted to see so many different places, and nearly headed to all places in one day - but when it came to my last, which was a ninja temple behind the big bridge that was crossing next to the 'eight hall' where vistlip played their show the day before, i needed to skip it.
the reason was simple; i'm still a fangirl and i wasn't really able to control my body, control my feels. i was overwhelmed. but on the other side i was wondering why this is happening - for all other bands i've met, i just felt great, but on that day i was just... feeling strange.
i was just happy, photographing a german bakery on the way to the temple, when i was smiling looking at the picture and went to a shocking face in just one milisecond. because when i looked up from my phone, something happend - tohya was crossing my way. well, he actually wasn't crossing it, he was far away but my head already alerted my mind with thinking twice if it's really him. i was like 'sure, he looks like tohya, but naw, surely everyone has already left kanazawa'. but the guy came nearer and nearer so i was sure enough to realize 'holy shit. IT IS HIM.' my head went crazy from there on. i didn't knew if i should say something or not and i was kind of shaking in my whole body. quietly, i asked surprisingly 'tohya-san?' as he looked up from his phone. 'shit..' i thought, 'i am wearing my fucking vistlip shirt i bought yesterday and other stuff of them... don't i look like a freakin stalker to him?'. but tohya acted more surprised than i was.  he gave me his hand, smiled, thanked me for coming to the concert and told me he needs to go catch the bus. but when we turned around to the bus station we saw the he just missed it. 'bus gone..' i whispered as we were smiling, and i waved him goodbye, looking behind him as he walked to the bus stop to wait for the next one. i was totally flattered from everything.
but then, my head sent me signals of my 'what do you want to do? how do you want to act when you met him on the street?' - let me tell you one thing: even youhave plans about how you would act/behave or what do you want to say; IT WILL NEVER COME OUT AS YOU DREAM IT. believe me, as it happend to me.
so, after my brain signals arrived at my senses, i ran after him asking him for a last question. he was smiling, coming back to me and myself, fully embrrassed asked for a picture with him. but sadly he denied it (which was understandable - he was without make up and you could see a three day beard) and i nodded for an okay. he gave me a handshake and a hug 'instead' he said, and went off to the bus station again, leaving me be with my 'i dunno what to do' face, before i started heading to the opposite direction. my plan going to the temple was destroyed by this moment. when i looked back from the street lights i was standing at, i still saw tohya at the bus station. i had the feeling to go to the other side of the street, just for taking a picture of him, but i didn't do it. because i would have felt like a total stalker, if i had. plus, i'm not a paparazzi. he has private affairs as well. and i doesn't wanted to count as 'one of the lousy, gaijin fangirls'. i just went to the next seven eleven.. squealed, trying to realizing what just happend. i bought snacks, smoked one cigarette after another at the combini store and felt more than embarrassed. this was not how i wanted to react when meeting him. but it happend. and i couldn't changed it.

'pics or it didn't happend' was, what i heard from nearly everyone i told the story to. they just didn't believed me. 'how high is the probability meeting your favorite member of your favorite band on the street in a freakin HUGE city?' probably zero. so i could understand why nobody believed me. but it happend - and i wouldn't have had any reason to lie. i wouldn't have the guts to lie. and i would never ever get the idea of lying in front of people i call my 'friends'. so i stopped spreading this story around. because i lost hope people would be happy about this one small moment that changed my whole vacation from that on - and for an instance also my life.

until that day of the osaka concert. osaka big cat happend to be directly next to my hostel in osaka, which was super convienient due i didn't need to drive tram/metro when leaving the venue. plus, i could just lurke around and stay at the venue how long i wanted to stay. so at the second osaka concert date, which was sold out, i was smoking at the backentrance at the venue (well more or less accidently - i didn't knew it was the backentrance). i just posted some sentences about the concert on twitter, when suddenly, tohya was walking in front of me- AGAIN. plus, he was heading to the direction of my hostel, what made me following him, until i catched up, talking to him again. he thanked me again, put on his smile again, as he was looking a bit exhausted from the concert. yet, i still tried to ask him for a pic again, due he was still maked up (and that way too good). but he denied the picture again before telling me about how it's not allowed to him taking pictures with fans out of events/instores.
i was disappointed. disappointed, but smiled, let him go and thanked him for the wonderful concert. i will see you soon again, i said - and i meant it.
'karma is a bitch.' i thought. it really is.
but karma was a way bigger bitch, when yuh, tomo and rui of vistlip walked next to me when i was sitting at the stair entrance of my hostel, smoking and just enjoying the night, as they started to completely ignoreing me, when i only said 'otsukare sama' to them after i saw them passing by. i even got one of the most evil looks someone ever gave me in my life, from one of the merch girls. the only guys who just smiled were umi and the manager, who walked by as last. though, i was too afraid to say anything to them. i was just sitting there. shaking. shivering. quietly thinking. i didn't wanted to get that evil look again. so i stayed quiet. i was hurt. nearly crying. and lost hope. hope of EVER getting a picture, of a bigger, better interaction with my favorite band, the one i love so much, in my entire life.
'karma is a bitch.' i thought again. why is this happening to me? and why the fuck does it hurt so much?
but when you are hurt and alone on a vacation in a foreign country and need someone to talk... who do you talk to? honestly, i didn't wanted to talk to anyone. because everyone who was there to talk to, were the people who were laughing about me, for telling everyone i would had EVENTUALLY met tohya on the street. 'pics or it didn't happend.' but i had none. so i had no one to talk to. because these people would have been the ones, who would have hurt me more with their words, as i already was.

after i came back to germany, i heard the same sentences always and always again.
'pics or it didn't happend.' - 'ah, well... karma is a bitch.'
and people, who believed me, understandibly asked me; if something like this happend to you, why do you still even support that band so much? they hurt you so much. you should not be hurt again!
but i can only tell them that karma MAY be a bitch, and yes, vistlip hurt me in that one moment in my life. but the times they just grabbed my heart and literally hugged it, gave me warmth and strength.. these times are the ones that count. the times i enjoyed the concerts - all the times i directly smile when seeing pictures or videos of them, the times i listen to new song and close my eyes to another world. the time tohya just smiled ... and came back to me, when i was calling him, even he needed to wait for the bus. these are the times that is making this one small moment that hurted worth everything. because they have done so much to me. and i know they will do way more.

and one day, and this is what i believe, karma will come back to me, tap me on my shoulder and show me the way to that moment i'll be on a six shot with vistlip. i will be sitting on a chair between them, while they give me one of the most memorable moments of my entire life as they fulfill my dream.