monogram. | break out from your shell.

hisashiburi. it's been a long time since i wrote my last blog entry. so much stuff happend - be it privately or at work. i met so many interesting people and, last but not least, i went to japan in april again, to visit so many awesome lives of the band i adore so much. i'm really happy i found kind of my hobby, i found people to hang out with and i still have fun when i visit the country i love. to be honest, whenever i am back in germany, i really miss japan. i miss the shops, the food, the music, the people, the lives - i even miss television! i cannot really explain how much this country already kinda braindamaged myself, but until i'm still thinking quite clearly it shouldn't be a problem, right? anyhow, some of you may know, that i'll be in japan in the end of june again. i honestly can't wait to board my plane again. i will see my favorite people again, join the most wonderful hotel and it's staff, will go to karaoke and to lives and instores - fully enjoying japan as it's best, even my holiday won't be as packed as the last one - plus, best fact, i will finally meet beautiful regina, who i haven't met since i know her. like...- how many years? 6? i'm really grateful about that opportunity. and i will never let it go to waste!

anyway, the topic i wanted to write about this time, is something i have in my head such a long time. a topic, i wanted to write down long ago. so it's a blogentry i kinda had in my mental drawer for months. since nearly all of the bands from the-  let's call it 'visual kei' - genre, disbanded, died or whatever did so they are not around anymore, i really don't have any vkei bands i listen to anymore. i still had alive until this year, but they quit doing music in april (i went to their last live in tokyo and it was sad as fuck). i have only vistlip and tsudukimasite left, and when i went to an event of tsudukimasite in my last vacation, all other bands i've seen on this event really fucked up my ears. it's like i really can't stand this 'typical vkei sounds' anymore. for me, now, after so many years, every band sound the same. not only that, they even look the same for me. i don't see any difference in bands like mejibray or miztavla just to name a few. tsudukimasite also sound vkei-ish to me, but they still remind me of old classical vkei/anguro music like monokuro kinema. that's why i still enjoy bands like them. vistlip is just in my heart forever, so nobody can tell me anything about them. plus, in my opinion they don't really sound like a typical vkei-ish band. why? because tomos voice is more than unique in the music scene and also the lyrics and musical components of vistlip differ from release to release.
but now up the question: why is it like that? well, this may could be because since i started to watch anime (and also sooner), i discovered great artists like amazarashi, galileo galilei, one ok rock, spyair, the oral cigarettes or alexandros. i enjoy their music a lot and even it's just japanese rock - like vkei seems to be as well - they sounds a lot different. since i went to a lot of vistlip lives i can understand why: furitsuke is, for me, the main problem.
i need to admit that vistlip concerts are always fun to me. i love doing furitsuki on their lives, i love interacting in jumps with other vistlip fans on the concerts - yes i freakin love the hand movements that directly comes to my mind when i listen to vistlip - be it live or on a record. but on the other hand: i hate them. in vkei there are certain areas in music that direclty leads to a specific hand movement. the guitar is nearly most essential for that. much drums; much headbang. flawless voice: standing still. guitar solo: oh yea, let's do saku. in vkei scene furitsuke is everywhere - and it pisses me off. due the music and it's sounds are quite similar in my opinion this leads to less .. flexibility? and uniqueness in the songs. this is making vkei songs sounding a lot the same. guitar riffs are quite similar and many songs sound to you like you would have heard it already anywhere. i get the feeling, that, when bands try to implement furitsuke into their sounds (so their fans are having a good time visiting their concerts and interact with their songs) they try to pack and form the songs into being furitsuke material. it seems like they maybe COULD have different ideas, but don't use them. they lose creativity. and being kinda prisoned in their creativity. and thus is what i find sad. because nearly every vkei band is doing it. and yes, also vistlip. so what i asking myself all the time is; how the hell would vistlip sound when their sounds would not be furitsuke-ish?! i would love to know that. vistlip have a lot of songs that are way rockier and don't have that much furitsuke areas to do something with. it's just fine music. but still in nearly every fucking song, there is an element that leads you to a handmovement.
when i listen to songs from alexandros or one ok rock, most of the songs are just dancing arounds, sweating, headbanging or else. spyair combines furitsuke and non-furitsuke pretty good. they have some songs with elements out of it, but also have songs, that are just party ones. no movements with hands or interaction at all. just your own fucking dance. i really would love to know how vistlip would sound, when someone would tell them 'please stop being vkei now and do everything you ever wanted to try' - like tomo and rui do with daikondanchi or lill. how many songs in furitsuke style would they do? i don't want to blame their management, the fans or else that they are pushing vistlip in a direction but... in my opinion, even vistlip still kinda sound  vkei-ish, they stopped being a 'typical vkei band' - so why are they still bound to the song stlye of vkei? surely, the music of vistlip would sound a lot more different that it is now, but i'm sure, that it would be a complete new level that everybody would hardly enjoy. i really wish that MAYBE after their 10th anni, vistlip will break out of the furitsuke and vkei shell: being THEIR OWN. do THEIR OWN music and ideas. because right now i really get the feeling that they are kind of like puppets in the scene. (even i still love them and their music ok, don't get me wrong)

thank you for your attention.

catastrophe. | karma may be a bitch...

do you know the sentences 'pics or it didn't happend?' or even 'karma is a bitch'? well, during this year, i heard these sentences a lot and quite often directly when i came back from japan this years june. something happend to me that changed my life - my way of thinking - and also some trust into people. but let's start at the beginning: for japan this year, i was quite lucky enough getting tickets for in total six events of vistlip i could attend. i was more than happy you could ever imagine, travelling around a foreign country, seeing different cities and people, and studying the behaviour of fans in different locations. it really was super interesting to see how many people attend a concert and how often i am seeing the same people around. it was super exciting to ask myself before entering the venue where i would be standing: in front of umi whose place is always overrun with people? between yuh and tomo, so that i have a good watching space to see tohya? or directly in front of yuh, because i could be in the front because the space is empty most of the time? well, let me answer you that i nearly always was in the front between yuh and tomo. but that doesn't matter for my affair to write you. anyhow; at the first stop at the kanazawa concert, one year after i have seen vistlip the last time, i was totally flashed by emotions after the concerts. the venue was small and didn't had any backentrance; so i wanted to try my luck to stay at the venue after the concert to ask my favorite bands for pictures; just once. sadly, after one and a half hour of waiting in the total rain in a foreign city, looking like shit with drunken people passing by i had enough and went back home - i'm not really the patience girl and i am totally not into waiting for artists after they played their concerts due to respect. but for vistlip just ONE day in my life i really really wanted to have artists photos. even if it's only one member that agreed my life would have been complete - but for kanazawa it didn't happend. on the next day when i was in my hotel bed i realized on twitter i woke up nearly the same time as tohya did, which was quite shivering. do you know how strange it feels to know, someone you admire just woke up the same time as you in the same city, only few metres or kilometres away? that sure sounds weird, but it's kind of a feeling you cannot describe. however, i was just greeting him an 'ohayanma' as nearly every morning when i was in japan in summer, and decided to head for sightseeing in kanazawa. i wanted to see so many different places, and nearly headed to all places in one day - but when it came to my last, which was a ninja temple behind the big bridge that was crossing next to the 'eight hall' where vistlip played their show the day before, i needed to skip it.
the reason was simple; i'm still a fangirl and i wasn't really able to control my body, control my feels. i was overwhelmed. but on the other side i was wondering why this is happening - for all other bands i've met, i just felt great, but on that day i was just... feeling strange.
i was just happy, photographing a german bakery on the way to the temple, when i was smiling looking at the picture and went to a shocking face in just one milisecond. because when i looked up from my phone, something happend - tohya was crossing my way. well, he actually wasn't crossing it, he was far away but my head already alerted my mind with thinking twice if it's really him. i was like 'sure, he looks like tohya, but naw, surely everyone has already left kanazawa'. but the guy came nearer and nearer so i was sure enough to realize 'holy shit. IT IS HIM.' my head went crazy from there on. i didn't knew if i should say something or not and i was kind of shaking in my whole body. quietly, i asked surprisingly 'tohya-san?' as he looked up from his phone. 'shit..' i thought, 'i am wearing my fucking vistlip shirt i bought yesterday and other stuff of them... don't i look like a freakin stalker to him?'. but tohya acted more surprised than i was.  he gave me his hand, smiled, thanked me for coming to the concert and told me he needs to go catch the bus. but when we turned around to the bus station we saw the he just missed it. 'bus gone..' i whispered as we were smiling, and i waved him goodbye, looking behind him as he walked to the bus stop to wait for the next one. i was totally flattered from everything.
but then, my head sent me signals of my 'what do you want to do? how do you want to act when you met him on the street?' - let me tell you one thing: even youhave plans about how you would act/behave or what do you want to say; IT WILL NEVER COME OUT AS YOU DREAM IT. believe me, as it happend to me.
so, after my brain signals arrived at my senses, i ran after him asking him for a last question. he was smiling, coming back to me and myself, fully embrrassed asked for a picture with him. but sadly he denied it (which was understandable - he was without make up and you could see a three day beard) and i nodded for an okay. he gave me a handshake and a hug 'instead' he said, and went off to the bus station again, leaving me be with my 'i dunno what to do' face, before i started heading to the opposite direction. my plan going to the temple was destroyed by this moment. when i looked back from the street lights i was standing at, i still saw tohya at the bus station. i had the feeling to go to the other side of the street, just for taking a picture of him, but i didn't do it. because i would have felt like a total stalker, if i had. plus, i'm not a paparazzi. he has private affairs as well. and i doesn't wanted to count as 'one of the lousy, gaijin fangirls'. i just went to the next seven eleven.. squealed, trying to realizing what just happend. i bought snacks, smoked one cigarette after another at the combini store and felt more than embarrassed. this was not how i wanted to react when meeting him. but it happend. and i couldn't changed it.

'pics or it didn't happend' was, what i heard from nearly everyone i told the story to. they just didn't believed me. 'how high is the probability meeting your favorite member of your favorite band on the street in a freakin HUGE city?' probably zero. so i could understand why nobody believed me. but it happend - and i wouldn't have had any reason to lie. i wouldn't have the guts to lie. and i would never ever get the idea of lying in front of people i call my 'friends'. so i stopped spreading this story around. because i lost hope people would be happy about this one small moment that changed my whole vacation from that on - and for an instance also my life.

until that day of the osaka concert. osaka big cat happend to be directly next to my hostel in osaka, which was super convienient due i didn't need to drive tram/metro when leaving the venue. plus, i could just lurke around and stay at the venue how long i wanted to stay. so at the second osaka concert date, which was sold out, i was smoking at the backentrance at the venue (well more or less accidently - i didn't knew it was the backentrance). i just posted some sentences about the concert on twitter, when suddenly, tohya was walking in front of me- AGAIN. plus, he was heading to the direction of my hostel, what made me following him, until i catched up, talking to him again. he thanked me again, put on his smile again, as he was looking a bit exhausted from the concert. yet, i still tried to ask him for a pic again, due he was still maked up (and that way too good). but he denied the picture again before telling me about how it's not allowed to him taking pictures with fans out of events/instores.
i was disappointed. disappointed, but smiled, let him go and thanked him for the wonderful concert. i will see you soon again, i said - and i meant it.
'karma is a bitch.' i thought. it really is.
but karma was a way bigger bitch, when yuh, tomo and rui of vistlip walked next to me when i was sitting at the stair entrance of my hostel, smoking and just enjoying the night, as they started to completely ignoreing me, when i only said 'otsukare sama' to them after i saw them passing by. i even got one of the most evil looks someone ever gave me in my life, from one of the merch girls. the only guys who just smiled were umi and the manager, who walked by as last. though, i was too afraid to say anything to them. i was just sitting there. shaking. shivering. quietly thinking. i didn't wanted to get that evil look again. so i stayed quiet. i was hurt. nearly crying. and lost hope. hope of EVER getting a picture, of a bigger, better interaction with my favorite band, the one i love so much, in my entire life.
'karma is a bitch.' i thought again. why is this happening to me? and why the fuck does it hurt so much?
but when you are hurt and alone on a vacation in a foreign country and need someone to talk... who do you talk to? honestly, i didn't wanted to talk to anyone. because everyone who was there to talk to, were the people who were laughing about me, for telling everyone i would had EVENTUALLY met tohya on the street. 'pics or it didn't happend.' but i had none. so i had no one to talk to. because these people would have been the ones, who would have hurt me more with their words, as i already was.

after i came back to germany, i heard the same sentences always and always again.
'pics or it didn't happend.' - 'ah, well... karma is a bitch.'
and people, who believed me, understandibly asked me; if something like this happend to you, why do you still even support that band so much? they hurt you so much. you should not be hurt again!
but i can only tell them that karma MAY be a bitch, and yes, vistlip hurt me in that one moment in my life. but the times they just grabbed my heart and literally hugged it, gave me warmth and strength.. these times are the ones that count. the times i enjoyed the concerts - all the times i directly smile when seeing pictures or videos of them, the times i listen to new song and close my eyes to another world. the time tohya just smiled ... and came back to me, when i was calling him, even he needed to wait for the bus. these are the times that is making this one small moment that hurted worth everything. because they have done so much to me. and i know they will do way more.

and one day, and this is what i believe, karma will come back to me, tap me on my shoulder and show me the way to that moment i'll be on a six shot with vistlip. i will be sitting on a chair between them, while they give me one of the most memorable moments of my entire life as they fulfill my dream.

patriot. | when being in the vistlip fandom.

when being in a fandom, there are always these two sides of a kind. do you know the feeling love being in a fandom but otherwise also hate being a part of it? i'm having these kinds of feelings since i joined several fandoms. but the fandom that brings head- and bellyaches me the most is the fandom of vistlip - even it's also my favorite one.
there are several things i really love the vistlip fandom for: most of the people oversea are really nice, they don't blame you if you don't know everything, they help you with information. even they are from another country they try to stay in contact with you as good as they can. they feel free to share what they have - so that other people can be as happy as you are. they are really talkative and friendly. and you can talk about other stuff than only THE BAND about them. i loved being in the fandom since day one. but since vistlip started to become more and more popular, most of the oversea fans of vistlip annoy the freakin' heck out of me.
let me start from the beginning, when i went to japan in the year of 2012. i loved the oversea fandom and started to hate the japanese fandom  of vistlip, because they blamed me and hated me as well. you know there was the accident of vistlip in the tunnel? i uploaded the video of the newsreport which was on japanese tellie to youtube to inform oversea people who hasn't heard the details of it. the japanese fandom started commenting very rude things against the uploader (which was me) under the video. like vistlip would hate me for uploading, like if i even care, if i would love to take them down like that. they told me something like i'm not a fan, when i'm happy to show it to the world - but actually the reason for uploading was something completely different, which they didn't understood. it could be that they were just more touched than we ever could, since they knew more and more details than we oversea people knew, but that was something which was always an unanswered question for me. anyways; my picture, blogs, twitter account went through the whole fandom in japan and since that time i got messages everyday of how rude and bad i was.
when i went to the anniversary concert of vistlip in 2012 i heard voices saying 'it's her, it's that bitch who uploaded the video and stuff' - i got completely ignored by everyone. even it was my first concert of my favorite band on that day, i couldn't really enjoy it, because everyone bumped hard into me and i even had fingernails in the neck. they hated me, and i started to hate them.
later that year, my account on youtube got suspended, because many people reported it to youtube. i was super sad, because i thought nobody really got my point. but i came back with another account - and uploaded nearly every video again - except of the one from the accident.
people from the oversea fandom really were very nice to that time. i found many friends there, friends i would never wanna miss (of what i can say today, as i am standing here). i found the most beautiful oversea fandom in the world, i thought, which was like a big family. and so i was happy to be their so called 'vistmama'.
but how bigger the so called family got, the more people got seperated into kind of groups. even it sounds harsh, i would say, that the group i am still running with, still is the nicest of everyone. you should know that since vistlip got more and more popular, more and more streetteams got online. at first i was happy about that, but later this causes much trouble within the fandom. i had a streetteam/support page as well, but i stopped running it, because i was really angry about other streetteams started stealing stuffs from websites or other support pages without even tagging a single credit. i got pissed off the first time because of that. pissed off of a fandom, i am really into. what i really loved from the fandom 'group' i am still running with was, that even if one of us was in japan or elsewhere, seeing our favorite band live - no one of them was really jealous. they were cheering, were like 'give a greet to them!' and just be happy that someone of us made it. they were curious about what the fan will tell what happend at/in or after the concerts or instores. it's still such a happy round were everybody is just happy for everyone. and i really love being a part of it. especially at facebook and tumblr i was able to see whole different fandom groups. groups which are battling the hell out of it. it's like they're arguing about, who is the biggest fan of the band and who deserves it more being at one of there concerts. at tumblr, at a blog where people talk about fangirls and bangyas, i was browsing for vistlip for a reason - and i have found some sentences about me. someone was talking about my pseudonym in the internet and run myself down. he/she wrote something like 'she think she's the biggest fan in germany, europe and oversea and nobody is better than her. she is such an egoist and is totally cocky. she feels like she's the uber fan but in the end, she is just a fangirl aka a totally sick person who don't know nothing about the band.'.
my mouth was falling to the ground. i couldn't believe what i read, but it was standing there. black on white. i didn't knew people in the internet thought i was like that. i never thought i acted kind of cocky or bitchy against other people - and with sharing what i had, i didn't understood how someone could name me an egoist. i couldn't understood the whole thing - but the thing that made me really angry was, that the person who wrote it, seems to be someone out of the fandom i love so much. the fandom i thought which was like a family, who could talk about everything. but no, i realized that, when a band is getting bigger and bigger, the fandom will change and a battle will begin. the battle of who is the best and who isn't. the battle of who is a bad, and who is a good fan. the battle of who deserves it and who doesn't. they're running fans down, shooting against each other. they start quarrels, disagreements, beefs. something i would have never expected in a fandom like vistlips. i was really sad something like that has happend. i mean, vistlip fans are like a family. so we should act like a family, not like enemies right?
when i went to japan this year, in 2014, i went to a vistlip concert again. the people recognized me again, but some of them came to me and were apologizing for no reason. they were nice, saying, they have act wrong, that they are just happy that vistlip also have oversea fans. that they are proud having someone like me, giving so much money and heart to OUR band. that they are proud OUR band has made it so far. they were like the nicest people on earth. even we had a few difficulties understanding each other because my japanese was as good as their english (mostely likely horrible) we chatted the whole day. there was no fighting, no arguing. we were just fans, talking. i felt like being in a family again, where it doesn't matter how much you own and how much you are in love with a band. when you love the band, and be here for them to support them, it was right. you are part of the fandom when it was like that. it was a real pleasure being there. and i was really glad i met such wonderful people in the vistlip fandom this year. from that day, i secretely changed my mind on the fandom (which is actually kinda sad). as i said in the beginning, i hated the japanese and loved the oversea fandom. actually it's like the other way round, which is making me sad. i mean; we all started small. we all started here. why is the fandom now challenging? why you need to challenge when it's just about loving a band?
there is no uber fan, who is or will be the best fan in the world or outside of japan. WE ALL ARE the biggest fans. because we are FANS. and we support the band with our heart and everything else we can support them with. we should act like a family again. vistlip are happy with every fan they have. because every fan means continuing a minute more of doing what they love. and what they love doing is what we love them for making right?
so please everyone, could we be happy together again? it really hurts seeing the fandom breaks more and more with every jealousy and egoism we still actually have in here... i want my big vistlip family back. because there is no 'i' in team.